The Packs are Back

After a 14 year lull in production ,the fanny pack industry is finally picking up again. “The factories are up and running again!” Exclaimed fanny pack enthusiast and factory worker, Fran E. Packerson. “It’s a very exciting time in fanny pack history. I think this time around fanny packs will be to fashion as the Dexy's Midnight Runners are to music history” After this remark, I reminded Fran that it was 2005 and she probably shouldn’t use obscure 80’s singers in analogies anymore. Nevertheless, it seems as if the great fashion gurus of the 21st century think it is time for these mini magic makers, to come back to their rightful throne on the hips of Americans everywhere. The 1980 wonder device, the fanny pack, has been one of the 1980 decade’s greatest inventions. Second only to great Rubik's Cube that kept minds busy for long periods of times until the more addicting “game boy” was introduced. It seems as though fanny packs are the newest hot sensation this spring. Vogue models have been seen wearing them as swimsuits. Millions of teens across the country have been flocking to stores everywhere to get first picks on the florescent colored fanny packs. Garage sales and elderly peoples basements have been striped clean of all variety of fanny packs. “They’re like extra pockets for your belly, but smaller and with a zipper and stuff!” Said 16 year old Jason Williams. “Yeah I just wear 6 of them around my hips instead of a purse.” said 22 year old Julie a college student from Kalamazoo. Some of the extremely rare 1983 company logo fanny packs are going for as much as $400,000. In fact even Lil John and the Yingyang twins have been seen sporting diamond studded fanny packs at select music awards shows. One thing is for certain the fannies are back with a vengeance. And this time it is for good.

A Load of Crap

So, I go into the laundry room today. And much to my surprise, I see a pile of clothes that look all dirty sitting on the counter. I dismiss it as something just kind of gross and go on with my sudsational activity of laundry. Then when the clothes are done I go to put them in the dryer. And the dryer is streaked with brown. Then there is this weird acorn looking thing in the bottom. Finally, my smell confirmed it. That’s right someone took a shit in the dryer. Then turned it on with some guys clothes in it. Yeah ok, the first thing I did was laugh. But that was probably because I was quoting Dane Cook in my head. "What I hope it wasn't my coat?" (If you have not heard that comedy sketch I highly recommend it.) So I don't know if someone actually mistook the dryer for the toilet, or for some reason was keeping some shit in the pocket for later, or perhaps was stuffed in the dryer against their will and got really scared when their juvenile friends turned the dryer on. Whatever the reason, that crap is just gross. So dear shitter, You suck!

Comments and Confessions, unlike crap, appreciated.

Relaxation

So if you haven't yet noticed, my last few post have pretty much blown. They just sucked but I will leave them up to remind all of you that I am indeed mortal. I am not a pure muse of inspiration 24-7. It seems as though in the recent weeks my mind has been like one of those old basket ball players who still thinks they can play with the hip young playa’s. But then, he gets out there on the court and he is all like” What? Basketball? Hey wait up youngins. I don't remember how many points a 3 is worth" Not that I am referring to anyone famous baller in particular or anything. Cough!
However, I have tonight stayed up until the wee hours of the night (Quick history: It is called the "wee hours of the night" because it is when wee children at this particular time at night tend to take a wee in their beds. Thus the phrase wee hours of the night, referring to children and pee together.)Anyways I was up late something I like very much to do. That's right people I burnt the midnight oil. ( which is another phrase that has completely no relevance to me what-so-ever. I mean I can't even have scented candles in my dorm. Come to think of it, why would I want them anyways? Well needless to say the only physical or metaphorical oil I will be burning will be the oil on the bottom of the popcorn pan. Oh crap!! No one makes popcorn that way anymore anyways. What is this the 1920's? Ok. Ok I got it! I can burn the midnight refined oil, which is gasoline in my car which I also don't drive right now. Hmmm. Obviously I have no adaptation for this midnight oil phrase into my daily life. So I will just say burning the 5 am light bulb filament.) So I was up burning the 5 am light bulb filament when, after strange untraceable paths of random association, I arrived like Alice in wonderland. Its true, I arrived at the source of my woes. And I said "Whoa That’s my Woe?" (yes yes its corny but I can do corny because well I know) There in the darkness of my dorm room he confronted me. The Very Source of MY bad Writing Woes. He was a huge monster with a smooth disposition and a voice that was dark like tainted glass. And when I asked "By what name do you call thee? He said thou can call me.........Relaxation!!!
Yes! I was just as surprised as you are right now. (well maybe not as surprised as you seeing that you would be surprised that I would be in fact talking to an idea) "Relaxation?" I said. "How could you be the source of my problems? I love you! Your my end goal in life! Well maybe one of them. I can usually never get enough of you. You rock!" But there he stood. I felt so betrayed!! "You see Mr...." the beast named Relaxation explained, "You are a being driven by conflict. You yearn to be in a state of discontent. That way you are striving to solve the great problem whatever it may be." Hmm... I thought to myself and wondered why this imaginary beast who had appeared late at night in a dorm room was also wearing an Iris flag and my Lugz. But I had seen much weirder things in my day so I dismissed it and listened to Relaxation tell me more about my predicament. "The problem, good sir, is that you had 6 weeks of free time on your hands. That is the same as half a summer! However, summer is packed with about a billion different things.(I was thinking yeah right! not a billion what an exaggerator) So you really don't see me, Relaxation, that much and I don't get sick of you and you don't get sick of me." Amazing this beast Relaxation is so very wise! What he was saying was the reason my life was so dull was because I was sleeping 14 hours a day and watching movies and looking at the computer for the rest of my waking 10 hours. Well long story short I listened to my now dear friend again Relaxation and I got busy. I did some push-ups in my room a few cartwheels in the lounge and rollerbladed down the hall at 3 in the morning. Then I proceeded to clean my room and do other odd jobs I had been putting off until 5:22am in the morning. Then I made a hugely unreasonable to do list for tomorrow. Wrote this blog and went to bed. Ahh its good to not relax!

Shocking

I have just come to a realization about myself. Most of us assume that we follow the ancient maxim from the Matrix. “Know thy self.” But once every blue moon, (Which by the way I never really have seen. I mean I've seen like a florescent white moon with a ting of blue but never a hard core blue moon. ) your surprised by yourself. I noticed it while I was in the process doing some manipulative instant messaging. Out of the calm silence of my room, came a piercing sound to my ears. One that wakes you in the night and is frequented on many Hollywood movies. I looked about the room in a panic only to realize the treacherous tone was coming from my own throat. (Gasp) All of a sudden it hit me. Oh no! I thought to myself. I have........An Evil Laugh! Now you might be thinking that’s not that bad but really its frankly one of the most obvious and stupid traits someone can have. Its like wearing a sign that says. "I'm up to know good!" So there it is people. But I just want to let you know I overcame it and now its gone. I took some aspirin and it went away. I apologies to those of you who were expecting something more interesting then me laughing oddly on one isolated occasion but its been a dull week.

By the way if you read this leave a comment. Cuz its like stealing if you don't!

A Poe Wham (I'm running out of good titles)

Alright I'm back a school and back in the swing of things here. So I was hanging out with pat Grady and my friend Sam. It was decided that I needed to also write Sam some kind of enthusiastic ballad or tribute of sorts. Ok here it is for all to read. It is mostly riddled with inside jokes involving Pat and I using large words and having an extensive vocabulary that Sam doesn't really understand. Sam knows not what the word etymology means to I put that into the free verse also. So in short pretty much only Pat and myself will truly enjoy this post. By the way if you want your very being to be immortalized into epic poetry leave a comment to let me know and I will see what i can come up with. Enjoy!

Who is she?
A girl whose names very etymology
Speaks to her listening ability.
Some hath called her marigold
Whose eyes at jokes of ours hath rolled
Only still to silently scold
our colossal lexicon.
Her character speaks of mystery, A
Girl formally dressed in wisteria.
What adventures she is dragged upon.
From the twinkle of her nose
To her golden goose fluffed yellow clothes.
From uptown to downtown she goes.
For every unrivaled trait,
There is no mantra
That could ever encapsulate
The beatitude that is Samantha.